first
i laid on the couch at my dad's girlfriend's house. it's about 11pm and everyone is asleep. almost everyone.
i didn't live here, and neither did my brothers, who were also in town. we didn't have our own rooms. this was before the older of my two "step sisters" moved away for college, so there was no spare, private area to sleep. i should have just slept in the room with one of them, but i didn't even consider it. i didn't think i would have any reason to.
two of my brothers were away, one at a friend's house and the other at his girlfriend's. that left brother 3 and myself to the full couch and the loveseat, respectively. i was smaller, about 9 or 10 years old, so it made sense that he, at around 16, would get the larger sofa.
i've always had trouble getting to sleep at night, and still do. this night was no exception. i remember staring at the ceiling for a while. tossing, trying to get comfortable. the loveseat was comfortable, but nothing ever feels comfortable when you're trying to force yourself to sleep. brother 3 was playing on his phone. he had a crappy flip phone from verizon. all he could really do was flip through poor resolution pictures, text people who were awake, and play ripped and recorded music. i remember it all sounded terrible through the small, rattling speakers of that thing.
it gets fuzzy here. i don't remember starting a conversation with him, so i assume he just started talking to me, or to no one, and i responded. i actually don't remember talking at all, now that i think about it, but that's neither here nor there. he wanted me to listen. and i got the impression that he wanted me to do something. for him.
he played the song "my neck" by ow'e jive. popular at the time. absurdly sexual. and i made note of that. that sticks out to me the most about this interaction. i shut up, rolled away, and hoped he wouldn't get up to approach me.
this was the first time i ever felt scared in that way. i don't know what his intentions were. maybe he was just trying to be funny, annoy his kid sibling. but i remember what i felt in that moment. i remember the squirming feeling in my gut and the desire to be anywhere but there. i felt glad that we were so close to my dad's bedroom door, knowing that the chances were high that i would be heard if i screamed.
nothing like this had ever happened to me up to this point. i had never felt preyed upon by any person, let alone any of my siblings. i didn't know what it would feel like to be afraid of someone touching me, but when it happened, i knew exactly how to place the emotion. like an instinct.
maybe the situation was nothing. maybe my overreactive mind made a mountain out of a molehill. but i haven't forgotten that feeling for nearly 2 decades, and i doubt i ever will. i hold onto that. it was formative. how did an unworldly child recognize that feeling so immediately?
why won't it go away?