grief
i am in pain. i am in pain. it doesn’t seem to go away. i miss you everyday. i never deserved you to begin with. you exist on my shelf and only in my mind now. i wear you around my neck and on my soul. you saved me countless times. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you. i couldn’t save you.
could you ever forgive me? i let you die. i wish it was different. i wish everything was different. i would have given anything to keep you alive. i would have given anyone. you are more important to me than anyone, anything, i’ve ever known. i hope you are free from pain. i hope you are well rested. i hope you are happy. it feels hopeless, though. i don’t think there is an afterlife. i think you are just gone. i understand now why people feel the need to place their faith in the unseen. the desperate hope to believe there is something beyond this life, so that you may live on and experience an existence with no more hardships. why can’t that be me? why can’t i believe? why can’t i convince myself that you are in another plane, another world, existing in pure bliss?
i regret all the times i pushed you away. every memory of raising my voice to you burns like acid in my mind, throat, and stomach. i could have been kinder. i could have protected you more. i could have provided more. i could have been your angel. i could have done so much more for you. i could have pressed for answers. i could have worked myself to exhaustion to pay for everything. i could have been less selfish. less aggressive. now i am left with nothing. you are gone. i have nothing but ashes, memories, and pain.
i hope you knew i was there. i hope you could feel me. if you couldn’t, i hope you could smell me. i was there. i held you in your last moments of clarity. i held you before you lost your sight. i wish i hadn’t handed you over so i could hold you during your final breath. but you needed help. it was the only thing i could do, give you to them. i believe i did what i could, but it could have been more. maybe i could have studied medical care and been the one to treat you when this time came. seven years. seven years would have been enough time to learn what i needed. i wish i had that time back. i wish i had you back.
i think you took my reason to live when you faded away. everything feels forced, fake, and unnecessary now. i dreamt of killing myself two nights ago. it wasn’t scary. it was like a matter of fact. Like i was seeing the future. or remembering something peaceful. for seven years, you were the reason i couldn’t do it. no matter how bad things got, i had you and i had to take care of you. you were my life. i wish i would have told you that more often. i wish i would have held you more. it’s hard to remember what you felt like now.
it’s been 274 hours since your last breath. i count the hours. every hour i live without you weighs on me, pound by pound. i have started living more recklessly. i have started spending money i don’t have. i think this is building up to the worst. i can’t say i feel unhappy about that. i want to be where you are now. i want to be with you. i could never love another being the way i love you.