overwhelm
do you ever find yourself wanting to write, but with no thoughts to speak of? nothing substantial to say? i feel a tremendous amount of emotion at all times. mostly deep sadness, lingering pain, but also these glimmers of joy and what i imagine true happiness is like. not at all times, though, are my emotions triggered by anything. most of the time, they just exist. i can be doing nothing at all, but my mind will take me far off to that one time hurt someone i cared about. or perhaps a time where i felt blessed by my circumstances. more often, though, i am just feeling these things with no specific memory or stimuli to speak of. is that part of my mood disorder? i don't really talk to a lot of people in general, let alone others with bipolar or similar disorders. and i honestly try to stay away from researching it. i'm paranoid of what i will find. as a consequence of thinking i'm a terrible, terrible fake, i'm also paranoid that i will simply start manifesting things if i read about them.
to my original point, the overwhelm of emotion often makes me want to write. i want to get out whatever i am feeling. that's challenging if i'm feeling something that isn't tied to a memory, experience, or idea. i usually fall back to talking about my day, or my recent struggles. but those things generally just muddle the experience. i wish i knew what it was that i wanted to say. i feel like my time would be more productive if i could relieve myself of this emotional tension.
maybe this is something i could bring up in that support group i've joined. i'm really not excited for that. my least favorite animal is me when i'm depressed and desperate.